Escape to Your Dream Forest Getaway in Lerne-Chinon, France!
My Escape to Dream Forest Getaway: Lerne-Chinon, France – The Honest Truth (and a Whole Lotta Rambling)
Okay, buckle up, buttercups, because this isn't your polished travel brochure. This is the real deal, my unfiltered account of my "Escape to Your Dream Forest Getaway" in Lerne-Chinon, France. I'm talking messy hair, questionable decisions, and a whole lotta love (and maybe a tiny bit of frustration). Forget the perfect Instagram pics, let's dive into the glorious chaos.
SEO & Metadata (Gotta appease the algorithm, right?):
Keywords: Lerne-Chinon, France, Forest Getaway, Spa, Accessibility, Wheelchair Accessible, Romantic Getaway, Family Friendly, French Hotel, Loire Valley, Wellness Retreat, Luxury Hotel, Spa Review, Restaurant Review, Wi-Fi, Pet Friendly, Cleanliness, Safety, COVID-19 Protocols.
Meta Description: A brutally honest review of the Escape to Your Dream Forest Getaway in Lerne-Chinon, France. From accessible rooms to questionable room service, find out the good, the bad, and the ridiculously charming in this Loire Valley retreat.
(Deep Breath) Let's DO this…
The Arrival: Expectations vs. Reality (and a Tiny Panic Attack)
First things first: finding the bloody place. GPS, bless its algorithmic heart, led me down a winding, suspiciously narrow road that felt less like a journey to paradise and more like a potential scene from a horror movie. But, eventually, there it was: the "Dream Forest Getaway." And, I have to admit, the initial impression was… breathtaking. Think a secret lodge nestled in a fairytale forest. Majestic.
Accessibility? (Did I even check?)
Now, I thought I'd checked the boxes on accessibility, but let's be real, I'm prone to skimming. The website mentioned wheelchair accessibility. And… (sigh) it was mostly true. The main entrance was ramps were present, and the elevators did the job (mostly – more on that later). The rooms themselves seemed spacious. However, navigating certain areas, like the spa, required a bit of a "Sherpa" situation (my partner, bless her, became my designated wheel-pusher). So, while mostly accessible, be prepared for some minor hurdles if you're mobility-impaired. Rating: 7/10 (Room for improvement, guys!)
The Room: My Sanctuary of Comfort (and a Slightly Dodgy Internet Connection)
Okay, the room! Absolutely gorgeous. I’m a sucker for a good, deep bathtub and the private bathroom was pretty much perfect. The decor was rustic-chic, and the blackout curtains were a godsend for my notoriously terrible sleep schedule. There was a ton of space (extra long bed, a sofa area!), all the amenities you can imagine (robes, slippers, the works). They even had an umbrella! (Which, let's be honest, I never used, but the thought counts).
Now, the internet situation…. They tout "Free Wi-Fi in All Rooms!" (and they did have both the inernet wireless and LAN), which is great. But for the first few hours, it kept cutting out. Then, it went on and off. The worst part was how the wi-fi did not work with the Audio-visual equipment for special events. I was trying to watch some streaming but gave up. Not going to lie, I did have a moment of full-blown, techno-induced rage, muttering things like, "How am I supposed to doomscroll in peace?!" Eventually, things smoothed out, but still, a definite blip. Rating: 6/10 (For room, 9/10 for the internet, 4/10, bring your own modem!)
Food, Glorious Food (and the Occasional Disappointment)
Let’s talk food. This is where things got interesting. The Dream Forest Getaway offers a plethora of options:
- Restaurants: Several! (See below)
- Breakfast: Buffet, Western, AND Asian, which is a nice touch. The buffet was glorious, with every pastry imaginable, fresh fruit, and an omelet station. I had a serious croissant addiction.
- Room Service (24-hour): Now, this is where the wheels almost fell off. I ordered a late-night club sandwich (hangry, I was). And…well, let’s just say it arrived looking like it had been through a battlefield. Soggy bread, questionable cheese. I’m not sure what to make of it, maybe I looked so tired, they simply neglected the sandwich. It was not delicious.
- Restaurants: Three! There were a few restaurants.
- Poolside Bar: Absolutely amazing views, good cocktails.
- Snack Bar: Pretty standard, but perfect for a quick bite.
- Coffee Shop: I’m a coffee snob, and honestly, it wasn't the best. But it did the job.
More Restaurant thoughts…
- The 'A la carte' Restaurant: Mostly French. The French onion soup? Divine. The service? Slightly pretentious, but in a charming, "we know we're good" sort of way.
- The 'Vegetarian' Restaurant: I tried it, but it was… well, let's just say it catered to a very specific palate. (I'm not a hugely adventurous eater.)
- The 'Asian Cuisine' Restaurant: It offered a pretty great spring roll.
Overall Food Rating: 7.5/10 (Overall, but the Room Service has a lot of work to do. And the Vegetarian restaurant? Nope).
The Spa: My Body's Happy Place (Mostly)
The spa…oh, the spa. This is where the "Dream" part of the name really shone.
- Swimming Pool (Outdoor): Stunning. Overlooking the forest. The perfect place to do nothing.
- Pool with View: The indoor pool was also really nice.
- Sauna, Spa, Steamroom, Foot bath: All delightful. I spent a solid afternoon rotating between these.
- Massage: Heaven. I got a deep tissue massage, and the masseuse worked miracles. I came out feeling like a new person.
- Body scrub, Body wrap: I could not resist it.
A few things… I had a minor issue with finding the bathroom in the sauna. Overall, it was a true day of relaxation and fun. Spa Rating: 9/10
Cleanliness and Safety: COVID-19 Blues (But They Tried!)
This is the era of COVID-19, and honestly, I was impressed by their efforts! Here's the rundown:
- Daily Disinfection in Common Areas: Yes, constantly sanitizing.
- Anti-viral Cleaning Products: Signs saying they used these.
- Hand sanitizer: Everywhere.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: They seemed like they knew what they were doing.
- Rooms sanitized between stays: As promised.
- Safe dining setup: Tables spaced apart.
- Cashless payment service: Convenient.
- Individually-wrapped food options: mostly in the buffet, which made me really happy.
- Room sanitization opt-out available: Nice to have the option.
- Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: They had this as well.
Overall Cleanliness/Safety Rating: 8.5/10 (They took it seriously, which made me feel safe…mostly)
Things To Do (Besides Eating and Lounging Around)
Honestly, I spent most of my time eating, sleeping, and lounging. But if I HAD wanted to do something, they had a good range of options:
- Fitness center: I'm not typically a gym person, but it looked well-equipped.
- Bicycle parking: I did see people biking.
- Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site]: Good availability.
- Terrace: Perfect for sipping wine.
- Concierge: They were SUPER helpful with planning stuff (like getting me lost in the forest–kidding!).
- Gift/souvenir shop: Fine souvenirs were available.
- Meetings, Seminars, Meetings: More for the business types.
- Babysitting Service: I did not test it, but it looked great.
"For the Kids" The hotel advertised kids' facilities, and a babysitting service.
- Family/child friendly: Seemed to have many facilities for kids.
The Small Annoyances (Because Nothing's Perfect)
Okay, let's get real. Even in paradise, there are minor things that bug you.
- The Elevator: It was SLOW at times. And one time, it got stuck (briefly). But the staff responded quickly.
- The Signs: Some directions around the hotel weren't super clear. I think I spent a good 10 minutes wandering around trying to find the gym.
Lerne Chinon: A Week in the Woods (Maybe… Probably a Mess)
Okay, so here's the deal. I tried to plan this trip to a holiday home near Lerne Chinon, France. Emphasis on tried. I envisioned charming cobblestone streets, sun-drenched picnics, the whole "escape to the idyllic countryside" vibe. Let’s just say, reality, as per usual, bit me in the behind. But, hey, that's what makes it interesting, right? (Insert nervous laughter here).
Day 1: Arrival, Almost Regret, and the Great Cheese-Blowing Incident
Morning (ish): Arrive at Charles de Gaulle airport. The flight was delayed, naturally, so I was already running on fumes and pure, caffeine-fueled anxiety. Found my way to the rental car (a tiny, predictably French Renault, which, let's be honest, I'm now calling "le tin can of doom"). The sat nav lady sounded like she was constantly judging me. "Recalculating… after that questionable overtaking maneuver, Madame."
Afternoon: The drive to Lerne Chinon. Beautiful? Yes. Stressful? Also yes. Driving on the "wrong" side of the road (or, the "right" if you're French, which I am emphatically not) is a trial. Especially with a car that seems to have a personality disorder. Started to think I should have just brought my dog.
Late Afternoon/Early Evening: Finally, finally arrived at the holiday home. It's… rustic. Let's go with rustic. The photos promised a charming stone cottage. Reality: A stone cottage that looked like it might have been built during the Crusades (which, in fairness, probably adds to the charm for some). The garden, however, was gorgeous… and full of things that could bite me. Unpacked. Felt a vague sense of panic about the sheer amount of "nothingness" here.
Evening: Figured I had to celebrate arrival with local food. Picked up some cheese, baguette, and wine from the local épicerie. A beautiful cheese. Really. I set it on the table opened it. Then I went to the kitchen.
I came back to the living room… the cheese was now violently bloated, a sort of cheesy weather balloon. The smell? Like a thousand angels had had a bad gas attack. The baguette had also taken a significant hit. I'm pretty sure the air got thinner in that room. It exploded! Cheese everywhere! Now the floorboards were covered, the curtains, the sofa; everything. I was reduced to tears of frustration/laughter and spent the next hour cleaning up fermented dairy death before getting under the duvet.
Day 2: Chinon Castle, Tiny Roads, and Existential Crises
- Morning: Decided to actually do some sightseeing. Chinon Castle it is! Started off well. The castle is undeniably impressive, towering over the town. The views of the Vienne river were stunning. Then I realized I'd forgotten my water, my hat, and my map. This is a pattern.
- Afternoon: Driving through the winding lanes around Chinon. The roads are unbelievably narrow, like tiny ribbons of asphalt that the locals use as a sport. The sat nav lady got a bit hysterical. Found a tiny, heartbreakingly picturesque village. Tried to take a photo. Bailed out of the car. Tripped over a rogue cobblestone. Sprained my ankle. Lovely.
- Late Afternoon: hobbled back to the "rustic" cottage. Existential crisis number three: What am I even doing here? Am I the type of person who should be in a French countryside? Do I really appreciate the "finer things" like stone walls and the potential for rat infestations? Ate a baguette and some safe cheddar. Maybe I had the wrong cheese earlier?
- Evening: Watched the sunset. Actually, a pretty good one. Felt slightly less alone, which is progress. Also, ordered a pizza online. (Don't judge). The pizza was late, but the only human contact there was.
Day 3: The Wine Tasting Debacle
- Morning: The ankle is protesting, but I'm determined. Today, I'm going to wine taste! I researched local vineyards beforehand (sort of) and found one that sounded promising. Excitement was building with every hour.
- Afternoon: Arrived. The vineyard was beautiful, nestled amongst rolling hills. The wine, however… was a mixed bag. Some was delicious, some was… interesting. I quickly realized I'm not a sommelier. (Duh). Perhaps I should have eaten something. Got tipsy. Started talking to the chickens.
- Afternoon part 2: The wine was starting to hit hard. Ordered some steak on the menu. A couple who were there laughed at my French, I tried to make a joke about them being English. Took a wrong turn on the way back. Ended up in a field. With the car.
- Evening: Regret. Pizza. Cried a bit. Watched a terrible French film. This whole wine-tasting thing could use a rethink next time.
Day 4: Forest Forage… and a Near Miss
- Morning: Felt somewhat better, no hangover, but still battling feelings of utter incompetence. Decided, inspired by the forest, to actually do something outdoorsy. Attempted a "forest forage". Armed with a (borrowed, and probably illegal) guide book to French mushrooms.
- Afternoon: Wandered through the forest, marvelling at the colours of the trees. Got hopelessly lost. Found some mushrooms. Looked them up in the guide. Concluded they were either edible… or guaranteed to send me to the hospital. Or, maybe, both. I decided to play it safe and left them.
- Afternoon 2: Climbed a tree for a better view. (Why? I don't know). Nearly fell out of the tree! My life flashed before my eyes (mostly embarrassing moments). Managed to cling on to a branch. Eventually, hauled (very ungracefully) myself back down. Was it a sign to stop the exploring? Maybe.
- Evening: Back at the cottage. Ate some boiled pasta and stared out the window at the trees. Did I leave the car door open?
Day 5: Villages, Churches, and The Great Coffee Catastrophe
- Morning I really needed some caffeine. Went to the local boulangerie to get some pastries, and a coffee. That went pretty well. Sat outside the boulangerie for 15 minutes.
- Afternoon: A day of exploring nearby villages, visiting a couple of churches. Saw an elderly couple holding hands, which nearly made me weep. The pace of life seemed to be considerably slower, which, in my case, was probably a good thing.
- Afternoon Part 2: Back at the cottage. Made myself a coffee. Spilled the entire pot of coffee down myself! Scalding hot coffee. Managed not to scream (too loudly). The stains, I'm sure, will never come out of the t-shirt.
- Evening: Tried to cook. Failed. Ordered a different pizza this time. Wondered if it's possible to live on pizza in France. (Probably).
Day 6: Attempted Relaxation and The Cottage's Revenge.
- Morning: Attempted to relax. Read a book. Tried to meditate. Failed. The stone walls of the cottage started to feel like they were closing in. The garden was calling me, with the promise of more biting and stinging critters.
- Afternoon: The Cottage has been waiting for its moment… as if this place could be more chaotic. The plumbing decides to stage a coup. Water everywhere. A burst pipe. Panic. Called the owner (who, thankfully, lives nearby). While waiting for the cavalry, tried to mop up the flood. Slipped on a rogue piece of tile. Sprained another ankle.
- Evening: Finally, the plumber arrives. The cottage owner comes to see if I am alive. We bond over shared misfortune. The owner fixes the pipe. Promised myself a full refund when I left.
- Evening Part 2: Pack. Watch the sunset. Eat my favorite cheddar. Think about all the things I enjoyed, despite myself.
Day 7: Departure (and the Promise of Never Returning?)
- Morning: Said au revoir (with considerable relief) to the cottage. Returned le tin can of doom (without incident). Drove back to the airport. Reflected on the week. It wasn't the idyllic escape I'd envisioned. But… it was
Escape to Your Dream Forest Getaway in Lerne-Chinon, France! (Or, You Know, *Try* To) - Frequently Asked Questions (And My Brain Dumps)
Okay, so Lerne-Chinon… Where *Exactly* Is This Place? And Should I Even Bother? (Honest.)
- Looking for a fairytale? Potentially. There are castles (didn't visit any, the lines man).
- Hoping for a party? Probably not the place. Think more "quiet contemplation" (barring my own internal monologues, obvs).
- A fan of food that tastes like actual food? YES. Oh god, yes. The food. More on that later…
What's "Forest" About This "Forest Getaway?" Are We Talking Grizzly Adams?
Accommodation – Cozy Cabins or Luxury Lodgings? Or, You Know, Something In Between?
The Food. Oh God, The Food. Tell Me Everything! (And Did You Survive the Cheese?)
What's There To *Do* Besides Eat and Admire Scenic Views? (Because, let's be honest, I need options)
The Bees. THE BEES! (I Knew There Was a Catch!) - Your worst experience?
So, Overall… Would You Recommend This Place? And What’s The Biggest Lesson Learned?
